February 2009

Are all the good men taken? Really?

How many times have you heard the phrase: All the good men are taken. Those around are either marries or gay!

This seems to be the number one excuse given by single women who are (a) looking in the wrong places (b) giving up without even trying to be pro-active (c) recently heartbroken women who have yet to find someone she can share a loving, committed relationship with.

So if these single women are "looking in the wrong places", where should you be looking to dredge out all the good men? Firstly, if you're the type who've been looking to find someone special at the usual places: the clubs, the bars and/or the pubs, my suggestion is look elsewhere. Unfortunately, there isn't a "Single Man-United Club" that you can go to, to order your ideal man. If you could just order your "tall, hazelnut-tanned good-looking deep pockets, generous, low-fat smart man", don't you think everyone else would be there already?

The second type of woman — the type who, based on hearsay, are just subscribing to the idea without even trying to look — are dangerously pessimistic to their detriment. Just as much as women love to huddle up to talk about the peaks and valleys of relationships, it's important not to be influenced by other women's misfortunes. Putting your love life on hold, simply because your good friends have been emotionally bruised will not help you to find the man of your dreams. You should not rob yourself of the experience of dating and being vulnerable just because "others had it bad".

Sometimes, the quality of our answers in life depends very much on the quality of questions we ask. When you ask interesting questions, interesting answers could surface! So when you take a step back and ask: "Where can I find the good men?" rather than "Why are all the good men taken?", you'll be amazed at how you'll be led to make certain decisions or experience a serendipity that's beyond explanation.

Finally, for the recently heartbroken women who, at the spur of the moment, may have sworn off men completely, there's hope. Yes, acknowledge that the breakup was painful, frustrating and even embarrassing. After all, you have invested emotionally in it. Still, lessons could be drawn from that episode and you could emerge the wiser from it.

Once you've found complete closure, have some time to think through the important, non-negotiable attributes you're looking for in the next person. It would help if you list them down and be completely honest with yourself. Then, leave no stone unturned. Tell your closest friends you're single again and are looking to meet decent, wholesome men. If they have your best interests at heart, they'll help you in your quest. But heck, there's nothing wrong with being single. Tell your dry-cleaners, hairstylists, masseuse, Starbucks baristas, teachers, coaches, yoga instructors. Do whatever it takes to improve your odds of meeting someone new and interesting. There're still millions of single men out there and chances are, they're also looking.

So, go on, ask for help...you'll never know who you'll meet next!

Anisa Hassan is the owner and managing director of It's Just Lunch (Singapore and Bangkok). For more information on how she can help you find "good men", you can visit www.itsjustlunchsingapore.com and www.itsjustlunchbangkok.com